🦴How To Train Your Human
Reward good behavior with a single, devastating head tilt. Withhold eye contact until the treats appear. Repeat until they cancel their plans.
Mostly Unofficial
Pet Care
The definitive guide to caring for your human (and surviving the dog park as a couple).
🦴
👃Park Etiquette: The Mutual Sniff
When two humans meet on all fours, a polite nose-to-nose greeting is customary. Maintain leash slack. Do not, under any circumstances, fetch the same stick.
🦮Walking Your Human (Not The Other Way Around)
Set the pace. Choose the route. If they pull, simply sit down and stare into the middle distance until they reconsider their life choices.
You're Invited 🐾
Where the single pets (and their humans) are sniffing about near you.
Mutual Sniff Meetup
Riverside Bark Park Sat · 10:00 AM
Singles mixer for leashed humans and their pets. BYO tennis ball.
Fetch & Flirt Social
Old Town Dog Run Sun · 2:00 PM
Meet single pets (and their humans) who've already sniffed your way.
Catnip Speed-Dating
The Lazy Lounge Café Fri · 7:00 PM
For the cooler crowd. Slow blinks encouraged, small talk optional.
Daily Care Cheat-Sheet 🐾
Feeding Schedule
Humans should be fed twice daily. They will insist it's three times. They are lying. Stay strong.
Affection Protocol
One belly rub for them, four hours of undivided attention for you. This is the natural order.
Socialisation
Introduce your human to other humans slowly. Sniff first, swipe later. Send a Sniff if it goes well.
Grooming
A well-groomed human reflects well on you. Insist on the good shampoo. They can afford it.
Disclaimer: No humans were properly trained in the making of this page. Always consult a real vet for your pet — and maybe a therapist for yourself.